I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
