I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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