I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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