ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
