If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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