So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Come on in and take your pants off
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
