I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
