I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
