After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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