Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
her facebook's as public as her vagina
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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