They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We had to coat check the pizza.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
