I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
