My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
