Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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