i barfeds in our rink
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
