paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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