when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
