I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
