We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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