Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
