when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you didnt know i had herpes?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
