Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm getting married
To pizza
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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