Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
