Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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