i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
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Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
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I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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