college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
