I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
