the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
