I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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