why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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