Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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