i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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