My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
