i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
