Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
