there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
