I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
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Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
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I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random