Why is your signature on my underwear?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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