He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Mom said you looked used
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
