Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
