I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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