I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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