Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
