Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
