I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
