seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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