Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
