I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize