Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
