she smelled like a LAN party
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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