There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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