I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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