You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
