Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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