Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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