I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Holy sore nipples Batman
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
