I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
