I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
