I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
