Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
